Packad och glad

Ja, då var sista väsklocket igenknött.
Och alla checklistor avcheckade.
Imorgon bitti går planet till varmare breddgrader.

Ja, herregud, vad skönt det ska bli!

Beroende på uppkopplingsmöjligheterna kanske det dröjer innan jag hörs av igen.
Under tiden kan du roa dig med en grej som jag fnissade åt runt millenieskiftet.
Den håller fortfarande:

MRF MARKETING MEMORANDUM

RE: STAFF REGARDING BAD LANGUAGE

It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul and abusive language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the more sensitive staff, this type of language can no longer be tolerated.

However, the management realizes the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other employees. To this end, our Human Resources department have compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offence to our more easily offended employees. The phrases are as follows:

OLD PHRASE : Absolutely no fucking chance
NEW PHRASE: I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible


OLD PHRASE : You lying cunt
NEW PHRASE: Are you quite sure about that?


OLD PHRASE : Tell someone who gives a fuck
NEW PHRASE: Have you informed the management about that?


OLD PHRASE : It’s got fuck all to do with me
NEW PHRASE: I don’t think I was involved in that project


OLD PHRASE : Shove a brush up my arse and I’ll sweep the fucking floor as well
NEW PHRASE: Would you like me to do that for you as well?


OLD PHRASE : Am I the only twat here
NEW PHRASE: Would someone else care to answer the telephone


OLD PHRASE : You haven’t got a fucking clue
NEW PHRASE: Perhaps you need a little more training in this


OLD PHRASE : This place has gone to rat shit
NEW PHRASE: The office is looking a little untidy


OLD PHRASE : Eat shit and die mother fucker
NEW PHRASE: I think I told you this would happen


OLD PHRASE: You over paid shit for brains
NEW PHRASE: You’re my boss and I respect that


OLD PHRASE : Fuck off smart arse
NEW PHRASE: Well-done


OLD PHRASE : She’s a ball-busting bitch
NEW PHRASE: She’s a full time career woman


OLD PHRASE : Get out of my face, dog breath
NEW PHRASE: I don’t think I require your assistance


OLD PHRASE : Raving fucking arse bandit
NEW PHRASE: He’s very much in touch with his feminine side


OLD PHRASE : Boy, are you in the shit
NEW PHRASE: Does the boss know about this?


OLD PHRASE : Kiss my fucking arse
NEW PHRASE: I’d rather not if you don’t mind


OLD PHRASE : Who the fuck are you?
NEW PHRASE: Are you new here?


OLD PHRASE : No cunt told me
NEW PHRASE: I wasn’t given that piece of information


OLD PHRASE : What sort of clueless fuck wit are you?
NEW PHRASE: You haven’t done this before, have you?


OLD PHRASE: You’ve made a right cock-up of that
NEW PHRASE: It’s the sort of mistake anyone could make


OLD PHRASE: I’m dying for a shit
NEW PHRASE: I’m going to wash my hands


OLD PHRASE: It’s fucked It’s broken but
NEW PHRASE: I think I can fix it


OLD PHRASE: It’s completely fucked
NEW PHRASE: It’s broken beyond repair


OLD PHRASE : Fuck off
NEW PHRASE: I’d like to be alone for a while if you don’t mind


OLD PHRASE : Fuck off you cunt
NEW PHRASE: You are a very rude man